going to be a very emotional month. The 1st was the first day of a month long working I'm participating within the Temple, basically going over and recording all my memories of the last 20 years. fourth day and I'm trying to work through the huge block of tangled emotion that is the most recent two years. I still have four or five more huge blocks of memory that stick out until my first memories. I expected it would be hard but I guess I never really knew how that hardness would feel until I kept tearing up at work. Wow, so many little things just come up that lead to so much else.

i am in another world right now, my body is super sensative and I'm going from super happy to that razor edge of irritation. Yeah it is about time to clear the three or four cases worth of beer bottles out of my house and be sober for a while. the last few days have been insane. The other night five people rolled on some E at my house and they gave me a little of what they were snorting in a shot and it just kept me awake and not really high or anything but I realized at 6am after drinking a lot and smoking many bowls that none of that was having any effect on me.

each agonizing step of the journey
I think I have a substance abuse problem
i know i do
i do i do
that is why i need a girl friend
so i can do something other than get completely wasted and shorten my life
i'll just do it for myself (laughs)
i do i do
i love you